Inner Peace... What does that mean again?!

Today. Relax. Breathe. Take a minute to look around and actually enjoy my life. Take time to focus on the positive. Be appreciative. Give mercy and grace to others.

Well, it sounds good written! LOL. Gosh, it is so hard sometimes to just be thankful and happy. So often I just get stuck on my path. I find myself asking the questions, and yet never fully having the answers. Do we really ever have the answers anyway? Probably not, but it doesn't hurt to just ask.

I want to know so much more. It always starts with my marriage. I have this amazing marriage to an incredible man. I know that I don't always show how much I appreciate him. Sometimes I tell myself how he deserves someone so much more than me. Then I have to stop that self deprecating attitude and ask myself why I think I am not good enough. I am, but I struggle with not being able to fill the role I think I should have. Well who am I to even determine what that role should be? Really, I must be giving myself way too much credit. This is a moment where I need to be more subservient to God, but man, oh man do I struggle with that thought even more! My role in my mind has always been to be a wife and mother. Well, here we are, soon to be thirty, a husband of three years, and not one sign of a child on the horizon. Sure, I have all these 'issues' with that, but it doesn't make me not beat myself up a little. Counseling maybe? I've been to the therapist several times in the last few years. I always get the same response, "You are too hard on yourself." Blah! What does that even mean anyway?!! I don't think I know logical people who aren't too hard on themselves. Aren't we all in some way harder on ourselves than anyone else?

I struggle when I meet people who say, "You are so much stronger than you realize. Look how you've made it." Yeah, yeah... I haven't really made through anything that anyone else wouldn't have. I mean honestly, we all have that survival instinct in there somewhere, right? If you knew the choice was to lay down, or to survive, what would you choose? I do sometimes think the things I have faced have made me a tad bit cynical. Maybe this is my problem. I am too busy looking for something to go wrong, and trying to protect myself from further hurt, that I would just rather shut everyone else out and live alone! What a terrible thing to even think!

I found the best quote yesterday. It says, "Conscience is your inner justice." Isn't that the truth if I have ever known it. Some days it just eats away at you! Maybe today I will find that peace I keep seeking. Is there even such a thing? Perhaps the real problem is that I say "I" way too much! We'll see where this journey takes me...

For the record, I do love my husband more than I have ever known how to love anyone on this planet. For that, I think he gives me the grace and mercy I need on the days I don't always show my best side. He realizes every day I am learning how to really love someone, and to allow someone to really love me. See, for that alone he really is an awesome man.