Humor... When you have to have a sense of one...

Everyone who knows me knows what a challenge I have had with my husband's family since we were married. It has been a struggle to say the least! At times, we have all just been completely inappropriate with one another. I know that it does not make any one of us right. In fact, it makes us all the biggest creeps on the planet! Why would you honestly argue with your family to begin with?! Does it serve a purpose? Does it make things easier? Does anyone really come out of it feeling like the so called "winner," or do we all just feel like big creeps? I would like to think in my heart of hearts we all just feel like big creeps! I would like to believe that in our hearts we know that by hurting one another, we aren't serving any purpose.

A lot of times I spend days and weeks just feeling bad about the way everyone gets along. It hurts me because it hurts my husband so much. I don't know how to make him feel any better. I don't know how to console him when he feels like his family doesn't love him anymore. They always try to blame it on the fact that he is married, but that isn't the case. What happened all those years ago is that he became his own man. He grew into this different person. That person is the one I met, the one I fell in love with, and the one I married. I don't know him as the person they did before. Sometimes I wish I could so I could understand who it is they are always telling me he was. I would like to meet that person! I really would like to get to know him.

Instead, I am left here with a man who has been on two really difficult deployments. I am with a man who has had his heart so hardened by things he has seen and been a part of. I am with a man who can easily detach his emotions because he has known fear and death, and he doesn't know how to empathize anymore. I am not saying that he is a bad man by any means, but I am saying he is different. He has changed. He will never be that innocent naive man again. He will never just be pure of heart again. God knows I have prayed many a night for him to have his sense of innocence restored. I wish it were possible, but alas I know it is not.

I will continue to love him no matter what. I love him through all of the change. I love him as the person he is, not who I wish he would be, or as the person he was. I love him for being the very person he is in his heart.