Everyone who knows me knows what a challenge I have had with my husband's family since we were married. It has been a struggle to say the least! At times, we have all just been completely inappropriate with one another. I know that it does not make any one of us right. In fact, it makes us all the biggest creeps on the planet! Why would you honestly argue with your family to begin with?! Does it serve a purpose? Does it make things easier? Does anyone really come out of it feeling like the so called "winner," or do we all just feel like big creeps? I would like to think in my heart of hearts we all just feel like big creeps! I would like to believe that in our hearts we know that by hurting one another, we aren't serving any purpose.
A lot of times I spend days and weeks just feeling bad about the way everyone gets along. It hurts me because it hurts my husband so much. I don't know how to make him feel any better. I don't know how to console him when he feels like his family doesn't love him anymore. They always try to blame it on the fact that he is married, but that isn't the case. What happened all those years ago is that he became his own man. He grew into this different person. That person is the one I met, the one I fell in love with, and the one I married. I don't know him as the person they did before. Sometimes I wish I could so I could understand who it is they are always telling me he was. I would like to meet that person! I really would like to get to know him.
Instead, I am left here with a man who has been on two really difficult deployments. I am with a man who has had his heart so hardened by things he has seen and been a part of. I am with a man who can easily detach his emotions because he has known fear and death, and he doesn't know how to empathize anymore. I am not saying that he is a bad man by any means, but I am saying he is different. He has changed. He will never be that innocent naive man again. He will never just be pure of heart again. God knows I have prayed many a night for him to have his sense of innocence restored. I wish it were possible, but alas I know it is not.
I will continue to love him no matter what. I love him through all of the change. I love him as the person he is, not who I wish he would be, or as the person he was. I love him for being the very person he is in his heart.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Monday, February 9, 2009
My Weekend
Good good times! I had so much fun this weekend with my husband. Saturday was just hanging out watching movies. We have Netflix, and we love to hook it up to our TV, so we can watch all of the movies! It was a blast! Of course, we had the great church debate. I think this is customary every Sunday. After we passed through the morning routine, we went to eat! He took me to my favorite Mexican Restaurant. Yum! Then we went and ran some errands. Then he took me to play some Tennis. I loved that! Finally, we finished out with playing the new electronic version of Life for 4 hours! LOL. That was hilarious! I was so pissed because he kept beating me over and over again! I am boycotting next game! Well, maybe... LOL!!!!!! I am so blessed to have the husband I have! I love my life!
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Inner Peace... What does that mean again?!
Today. Relax. Breathe. Take a minute to look around and actually enjoy my life. Take time to focus on the positive. Be appreciative. Give mercy and grace to others.
Well, it sounds good written! LOL. Gosh, it is so hard sometimes to just be thankful and happy. So often I just get stuck on my path. I find myself asking the questions, and yet never fully having the answers. Do we really ever have the answers anyway? Probably not, but it doesn't hurt to just ask.
I want to know so much more. It always starts with my marriage. I have this amazing marriage to an incredible man. I know that I don't always show how much I appreciate him. Sometimes I tell myself how he deserves someone so much more than me. Then I have to stop that self deprecating attitude and ask myself why I think I am not good enough. I am, but I struggle with not being able to fill the role I think I should have. Well who am I to even determine what that role should be? Really, I must be giving myself way too much credit. This is a moment where I need to be more subservient to God, but man, oh man do I struggle with that thought even more! My role in my mind has always been to be a wife and mother. Well, here we are, soon to be thirty, a husband of three years, and not one sign of a child on the horizon. Sure, I have all these 'issues' with that, but it doesn't make me not beat myself up a little. Counseling maybe? I've been to the therapist several times in the last few years. I always get the same response, "You are too hard on yourself." Blah! What does that even mean anyway?!! I don't think I know logical people who aren't too hard on themselves. Aren't we all in some way harder on ourselves than anyone else?
I struggle when I meet people who say, "You are so much stronger than you realize. Look how you've made it." Yeah, yeah... I haven't really made through anything that anyone else wouldn't have. I mean honestly, we all have that survival instinct in there somewhere, right? If you knew the choice was to lay down, or to survive, what would you choose? I do sometimes think the things I have faced have made me a tad bit cynical. Maybe this is my problem. I am too busy looking for something to go wrong, and trying to protect myself from further hurt, that I would just rather shut everyone else out and live alone! What a terrible thing to even think!
I found the best quote yesterday. It says, "Conscience is your inner justice." Isn't that the truth if I have ever known it. Some days it just eats away at you! Maybe today I will find that peace I keep seeking. Is there even such a thing? Perhaps the real problem is that I say "I" way too much! We'll see where this journey takes me...
For the record, I do love my husband more than I have ever known how to love anyone on this planet. For that, I think he gives me the grace and mercy I need on the days I don't always show my best side. He realizes every day I am learning how to really love someone, and to allow someone to really love me. See, for that alone he really is an awesome man.
Well, it sounds good written! LOL. Gosh, it is so hard sometimes to just be thankful and happy. So often I just get stuck on my path. I find myself asking the questions, and yet never fully having the answers. Do we really ever have the answers anyway? Probably not, but it doesn't hurt to just ask.
I want to know so much more. It always starts with my marriage. I have this amazing marriage to an incredible man. I know that I don't always show how much I appreciate him. Sometimes I tell myself how he deserves someone so much more than me. Then I have to stop that self deprecating attitude and ask myself why I think I am not good enough. I am, but I struggle with not being able to fill the role I think I should have. Well who am I to even determine what that role should be? Really, I must be giving myself way too much credit. This is a moment where I need to be more subservient to God, but man, oh man do I struggle with that thought even more! My role in my mind has always been to be a wife and mother. Well, here we are, soon to be thirty, a husband of three years, and not one sign of a child on the horizon. Sure, I have all these 'issues' with that, but it doesn't make me not beat myself up a little. Counseling maybe? I've been to the therapist several times in the last few years. I always get the same response, "You are too hard on yourself." Blah! What does that even mean anyway?!! I don't think I know logical people who aren't too hard on themselves. Aren't we all in some way harder on ourselves than anyone else?
I struggle when I meet people who say, "You are so much stronger than you realize. Look how you've made it." Yeah, yeah... I haven't really made through anything that anyone else wouldn't have. I mean honestly, we all have that survival instinct in there somewhere, right? If you knew the choice was to lay down, or to survive, what would you choose? I do sometimes think the things I have faced have made me a tad bit cynical. Maybe this is my problem. I am too busy looking for something to go wrong, and trying to protect myself from further hurt, that I would just rather shut everyone else out and live alone! What a terrible thing to even think!
I found the best quote yesterday. It says, "Conscience is your inner justice." Isn't that the truth if I have ever known it. Some days it just eats away at you! Maybe today I will find that peace I keep seeking. Is there even such a thing? Perhaps the real problem is that I say "I" way too much! We'll see where this journey takes me...
For the record, I do love my husband more than I have ever known how to love anyone on this planet. For that, I think he gives me the grace and mercy I need on the days I don't always show my best side. He realizes every day I am learning how to really love someone, and to allow someone to really love me. See, for that alone he really is an awesome man.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Sunday... Sunday... Sunday....
Wow! Today has felt like the longest day ever! I am so exhausted! Patrick and I really didn't do anything too exhausting, and yet I feel as though the life has been sucked out of me. I think recovering from this four day illness is kicking my tail end!
Today I realized many things:
1. I do not like cooking! LOL. I have constantly told people how much I enjoy cooking. As I was standing in the kitchen "being creative" with dinner, I realized, "I HATE COOKING!" As terrible as that sounds, it sometimes feels like cooking dinner will be the death of me. I look at all of that food and just want to be sick. Perhaps, I am self-sabotaging myself! Whenever you enter the word diet into your vocabulary, it is amazing how much you suddenly hate about your life!
2. I love my dog Chewy. I have always known how much I love him, but today it was more clear than other moments in my life. As I listened to our other new puppy whine and whine, it was Chewy who came to the rescue and put him into his place. It was nice to have a reprieve from being the enforcer! LOL.
3. I love my husband more than I thought possible. When I am just sitting around, looking like an abomination to the world, it is my husband who reminds me how much he loves me. It isn't that he just loves me, it is that he reminds me how much he 'likes' me too. He is glad to be my best friend. Some days you just really need to be reminded of that friendship. It is definitely food to my weary soul on those occasions. I am so blessed to know that I have this one perfect person in the world who likes me just the way I am!
4. Church really does revitalize the soul! You know, it isn't just about going to worship God for me. There is a fellowship in being surrounded by other people who are just peaceful in their time of worship. I could not trade those moments for all the cookies in the world! :)
5. I have a pretty great life. You know, when I sit back and evaluate my life, it is pretty spectacular. Sure, I have moments when I feel like it is all going to crumble every second, but on the whole it is a pretty good life.
Now, I am going to go and program my hot pink ipod shuffle with my hip-happening music for working out! LOL. A little hot pink toy to get my tush in gear!!!!!!!!! Love it!
Today I realized many things:
1. I do not like cooking! LOL. I have constantly told people how much I enjoy cooking. As I was standing in the kitchen "being creative" with dinner, I realized, "I HATE COOKING!" As terrible as that sounds, it sometimes feels like cooking dinner will be the death of me. I look at all of that food and just want to be sick. Perhaps, I am self-sabotaging myself! Whenever you enter the word diet into your vocabulary, it is amazing how much you suddenly hate about your life!
2. I love my dog Chewy. I have always known how much I love him, but today it was more clear than other moments in my life. As I listened to our other new puppy whine and whine, it was Chewy who came to the rescue and put him into his place. It was nice to have a reprieve from being the enforcer! LOL.
3. I love my husband more than I thought possible. When I am just sitting around, looking like an abomination to the world, it is my husband who reminds me how much he loves me. It isn't that he just loves me, it is that he reminds me how much he 'likes' me too. He is glad to be my best friend. Some days you just really need to be reminded of that friendship. It is definitely food to my weary soul on those occasions. I am so blessed to know that I have this one perfect person in the world who likes me just the way I am!
4. Church really does revitalize the soul! You know, it isn't just about going to worship God for me. There is a fellowship in being surrounded by other people who are just peaceful in their time of worship. I could not trade those moments for all the cookies in the world! :)
5. I have a pretty great life. You know, when I sit back and evaluate my life, it is pretty spectacular. Sure, I have moments when I feel like it is all going to crumble every second, but on the whole it is a pretty good life.
Now, I am going to go and program my hot pink ipod shuffle with my hip-happening music for working out! LOL. A little hot pink toy to get my tush in gear!!!!!!!!! Love it!
Saturday, January 24, 2009
New Beginnings
With each year comes a new beginning. I know we are almost at the end of January, but it is still the first of 2009. This year I have so many challenges to overcome, ideas to see into fruition and life to live! I am so excited to have had the chance to begin this new year with my husband.
2008 brought so many challenges I was unsure I could overcome. I was so happy to have made it. I literally cried as the year came to an end. I cried huge crocodile tears of joy!!! It was such a tough year for me! Patrick was gone for most of last year. We finished our 14 month deployment, left our home, moved to a new one, continued dealing with my illness, welcomed family, lost family, found new friends, and just crawled through it until we reached the end.
Now I am back to focusing on my health again. I was told two months ago that I need to have another surgery. This time the doctor is adament that I have a full hysterectomy and gave me a big no to the babies. I told Patrick that I am not ready for it yet. I know that there is another tumor, and I know that I am sick and in pain, but I am not ready.
I have started this new year researching alternative health methods. I do not believe that the only alternatives in our lives are surgery! There has to be another way for me to try and gain back control over my life. I know that I will have to have the tumor removed, but why do I have to have anything further done at this time. To be a 29 year old woman who will have to be on hormones the rest of my life is not an enjoyable prospect! I refuse to go with the flow without first seeking out alternatives!
So, saying that I am starting this blog. I have also started a group for my friends and their friends to support each other in healthy living. I really believe that this is the way of the future for me. I plan to pursue this 110%! Yes, I can!
D
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