MrPJsWife

Thought Provoking...

2009-03-24T07:25:00.000-07:00

I have been reading a book for the last three days. The book was called In Search of Eden by Linda Nichols. I took away so much from this book!

There were so many stories that really tapped into my own life combined into one book. It amazing how fiction can often mimic reality. The lesson that will stick with me the most is that by constantly seeking perfection, we can miss out on all the good. Wow!

I know that in my own daily life I do have this problem. I often finding myself expecting more from people than they are capable of giving. I don't mean this in a bad way. I mean that I expect them to be or do what is not possible. I set a standard for how I want them to be, and not so much how they are. This has been a struggle of mine for years. Even if they are an overachiever, I somehow get upset with them that they are too good. It is really a lose-lose situation.

Of course, this is something that I work on daily. Daily!!! LOL. I will continue working on it. I know that people cannot live up to the expectation I set for them, but the one God has for them. Even if it is to only live a life of selfless love and compassion. That is good enough.

I will quit seeking perfection in my own life and start appreciating the good. This is definitely a goal for this year, and for life continuing...

It can still catch you off guard...

2009-03-18T18:49:00.000-07:00

Always appreciate family... it is gone so fast... so soon...

I have told my husband repeatedly over the years to celebrate when I go. I know this may sound morbid to some, but those are the ones who do not understand how deep this road of faith leads. I used to have such a fear of death. It was almost paralyzing in its entirety. Sometimes I would sit at home and worry only about dying! What is that! LOL... As I evolved into a stronger faith, it became less about the fear of death and on to how I would die. As I continued to progress, it became less about how I would die, and more about getting to be with Jesus. How wonderful that time will be when it happens.

Now... This is not to say I am ready to go today! I love being alive in my Heaven on Earth. I love my husband, family, friends, Chewy, Toby, Yogi and even the kids we will someday have. I believe and trust in God's plan for our lives. I believe that he gives us the time he does for us to touch as many people as we can. We are here to work. We are here for purpose. Life is not meant to be easy, but it can be satisfactory. There can be joy. There can be happiness.

Today just kind of caught me off guard! I was saddened when I learned of the death of Natasha Richardson at 45. I looked at her birth year in 1963 and proceeded to burst into tears! She was a year younger than my Mom. I am not prepared to lose my Mom right now. I am almost 30 years old and still do not want to think of that! I cannot imagine her two young sons grieving over their mother. Being a teenager is hard enough.

These are the moments that remind me the most how fortunate we all are. It really is important to take the time and tell our families how much we love them. Not one day is ever promised to us. I hope everyone will take a moment to find their joy.

Random.... Random.... Random....

2009-03-13T08:02:00.000-07:00

I am laughing this morning. It is amazing I am even awake considering that I have been up since 4:30! Gosh, I am exhausted to say the least!

My morning has been full of fun!! Let's see... I have battled the great dog war. I don't think this is really fair for poor Yogi. He is all of ten pounds soaking wet. Chewy is 55 pounds of solid muscle just waiting to pounce! LOL. Oh, the anguishing cries of a baby puppy! :(

I am currently contemplating pizza for my second breakfast of the day! Technically this should be lunch since I have been up for hours and hours! I know... SUCH A HEALTHY CHOICE!!! :)

Cold rain is on its way to Huntsville today! It is going to rain all weekend! Good times with no sunshine!!! Such a shame because I was wanting to spend it at the park with the doggies walking and fishing! I cannot wait until it is warm all of the time. We enjoy it so much more when it is warmer outside. Last weekend it was in the 80s! I miss those days!!!

Bah... Ha... Ha...

2009-03-11T14:14:00.000-07:00

Golly, I have been thinking about this blog for a while! I am really terrible about getting on here and updating it!

As I was sitting here in front of my computer, I realized my toe hurts. LOL. I know this is going to sound goofy, but I broke my middle toe on my left foot last month. I don't think it is ever going to heal! Any time I am on it for more than a few hours it begins to throb! This is difficult to avoid since I have joined so many new activities this last month.

I was offered a job at my tanning salon today. It cracked me up so much! I was complaining about the terrible customer service from the employees there to the district manager, and next thing you know I am offered a job! This is a good lesson learned: DO NOT COMPLAIN!!! :) Hehehe... I think it was one of those moments where they are like, "Oh yeah, let's see what you've got to offer." The funny thing is I think I might like to work there! Hey, free tanning is always a bonus!!!

I have a new puppy now. His name is Yogi. I feel so bad for the poor thing. He spends his days eating, sleeping and being abused by Chewbacca the Furor. LOL. I swear, I never knew my older husky could be so mean! He runs at full speed right at Yogi and plows him down like a tractor! Sweet little Yogi just stands there is a daze. I keep telling Chewy to be nice, but we shall see how this progresses! :)

I have started walking at night. It is really nice to just get out there with PJ and walk the neighborhood. We keep making so many new friends. Of course, I think they really just like me for my dog. Ha! Ha! Ha! He gets so much loving from random strangers! I am actually jealous! :) Anyway, between the walk at night and the gym in the morning, this weight is bound to come off of my little body! I am going to sweat it out!!!!!!!!

I guess the last think on my mind at this moment is the weather. You know, it has been 80+ all week long. Today I wake up to 50! What the heck is that business about! No one likes the cold weather! I want it to be warm. We always have so much fun in the summer time!

Out. Much Love.

PJsWife

Relaxation...... AHHH...

2009-03-04T18:51:00.000-08:00

When you finally get a three day weekend away from the world, it is like regaining your freedom! I have never been so relaxed as I was this last weekend. It was really nice! I was so happy to be able to spend time with Patrick. ANYWHERE! :)

We took some time out and went to Tunica. It was my first trip, and I was pleasantly surprised with the good time we had! I actually won some money, and then proceeded to lose some money! Ha! We ended up winners, and we had a great time! I was really pleased with our experience. The only thing lacking was the bed in the hotel room, but hey, you cannot always win everything!

We have had so much fun together these last few months. He is really a great source of support for me. Sometimes I would really be lost without his patience, wisdom and guidance.

We have a new dog. I never knew that the sole source of joy for my sweet Chewbacca would be to torture an innocent puppy. LOL. Wow! The lessons we learn as our age progresses!

Speaking of age... Did I mention we are at 7 months and counting to 30!!!!!!!!!??????? Ahhh! Looking forward... Good times!

Out- D

Humor... When you have to have a sense of one...

2009-02-10T12:39:00.000-08:00

Everyone who knows me knows what a challenge I have had with my husband's family since we were married. It has been a struggle to say the least! At times, we have all just been completely inappropriate with one another. I know that it does not make any one of us right. In fact, it makes us all the biggest creeps on the planet! Why would you honestly argue with your family to begin with?! Does it serve a purpose? Does it make things easier? Does anyone really come out of it feeling like the so called "winner," or do we all just feel like big creeps? I would like to think in my heart of hearts we all just feel like big creeps! I would like to believe that in our hearts we know that by hurting one another, we aren't serving any purpose.

A lot of times I spend days and weeks just feeling bad about the way everyone gets along. It hurts me because it hurts my husband so much. I don't know how to make him feel any better. I don't know how to console him when he feels like his family doesn't love him anymore. They always try to blame it on the fact that he is married, but that isn't the case. What happened all those years ago is that he became his own man. He grew into this different person. That person is the one I met, the one I fell in love with, and the one I married. I don't know him as the person they did before. Sometimes I wish I could so I could understand who it is they are always telling me he was. I would like to meet that person! I really would like to get to know him.

Instead, I am left here with a man who has been on two really difficult deployments. I am with a man who has had his heart so hardened by things he has seen and been a part of. I am with a man who can easily detach his emotions because he has known fear and death, and he doesn't know how to empathize anymore. I am not saying that he is a bad man by any means, but I am saying he is different. He has changed. He will never be that innocent naive man again. He will never just be pure of heart again. God knows I have prayed many a night for him to have his sense of innocence restored. I wish it were possible, but alas I know it is not.

I will continue to love him no matter what. I love him through all of the change. I love him as the person he is, not who I wish he would be, or as the person he was. I love him for being the very person he is in his heart.

My Weekend

2009-02-09T07:29:00.000-08:00

Good good times! I had so much fun this weekend with my husband. Saturday was just hanging out watching movies. We have Netflix, and we love to hook it up to our TV, so we can watch all of the movies! It was a blast! Of course, we had the great church debate. I think this is customary every Sunday. After we passed through the morning routine, we went to eat! He took me to my favorite Mexican Restaurant. Yum! Then we went and ran some errands. Then he took me to play some Tennis. I loved that! Finally, we finished out with playing the new electronic version of Life for 4 hours! LOL. That was hilarious! I was so pissed because he kept beating me over and over again! I am boycotting next game! Well, maybe... LOL!!!!!! I am so blessed to have the husband I have! I love my life!

Inner Peace... What does that mean again?!

2009-02-04T10:32:00.000-08:00

Today. Relax. Breathe. Take a minute to look around and actually enjoy my life. Take time to focus on the positive. Be appreciative. Give mercy and grace to others.

Well, it sounds good written! LOL. Gosh, it is so hard sometimes to just be thankful and happy. So often I just get stuck on my path. I find myself asking the questions, and yet never fully having the answers. Do we really ever have the answers anyway? Probably not, but it doesn't hurt to just ask.

I want to know so much more. It always starts with my marriage. I have this amazing marriage to an incredible man. I know that I don't always show how much I appreciate him. Sometimes I tell myself how he deserves someone so much more than me. Then I have to stop that self deprecating attitude and ask myself why I think I am not good enough. I am, but I struggle with not being able to fill the role I think I should have. Well who am I to even determine what that role should be? Really, I must be giving myself way too much credit. This is a moment where I need to be more subservient to God, but man, oh man do I struggle with that thought even more! My role in my mind has always been to be a wife and mother. Well, here we are, soon to be thirty, a husband of three years, and not one sign of a child on the horizon. Sure, I have all these 'issues' with that, but it doesn't make me not beat myself up a little. Counseling maybe? I've been to the therapist several times in the last few years. I always get the same response, "You are too hard on yourself." Blah! What does that even mean anyway?!! I don't think I know logical people who aren't too hard on themselves. Aren't we all in some way harder on ourselves than anyone else?

I struggle when I meet people who say, "You are so much stronger than you realize. Look how you've made it." Yeah, yeah... I haven't really made through anything that anyone else wouldn't have. I mean honestly, we all have that survival instinct in there somewhere, right? If you knew the choice was to lay down, or to survive, what would you choose? I do sometimes think the things I have faced have made me a tad bit cynical. Maybe this is my problem. I am too busy looking for something to go wrong, and trying to protect myself from further hurt, that I would just rather shut everyone else out and live alone! What a terrible thing to even think!

I found the best quote yesterday. It says, "Conscience is your inner justice." Isn't that the truth if I have ever known it. Some days it just eats away at you! Maybe today I will find that peace I keep seeking. Is there even such a thing? Perhaps the real problem is that I say "I" way too much! We'll see where this journey takes me...

For the record, I do love my husband more than I have ever known how to love anyone on this planet. For that, I think he gives me the grace and mercy I need on the days I don't always show my best side. He realizes every day I am learning how to really love someone, and to allow someone to really love me. See, for that alone he really is an awesome man.

Sunday... Sunday... Sunday....

2009-01-25T17:58:00.000-08:00

Wow! Today has felt like the longest day ever! I am so exhausted! Patrick and I really didn't do anything too exhausting, and yet I feel as though the life has been sucked out of me. I think recovering from this four day illness is kicking my tail end!

Today I realized many things:

1. I do not like cooking! LOL. I have constantly told people how much I enjoy cooking. As I was standing in the kitchen "being creative" with dinner, I realized, "I HATE COOKING!" As terrible as that sounds, it sometimes feels like cooking dinner will be the death of me. I look at all of that food and just want to be sick. Perhaps, I am self-sabotaging myself! Whenever you enter the word diet into your vocabulary, it is amazing how much you suddenly hate about your life!

2. I love my dog Chewy. I have always known how much I love him, but today it was more clear than other moments in my life. As I listened to our other new puppy whine and whine, it was Chewy who came to the rescue and put him into his place. It was nice to have a reprieve from being the enforcer! LOL.

3. I love my husband more than I thought possible. When I am just sitting around, looking like an abomination to the world, it is my husband who reminds me how much he loves me. It isn't that he just loves me, it is that he reminds me how much he 'likes' me too. He is glad to be my best friend. Some days you just really need to be reminded of that friendship. It is definitely food to my weary soul on those occasions. I am so blessed to know that I have this one perfect person in the world who likes me just the way I am!

4. Church really does revitalize the soul! You know, it isn't just about going to worship God for me. There is a fellowship in being surrounded by other people who are just peaceful in their time of worship. I could not trade those moments for all the cookies in the world! :)

5. I have a pretty great life. You know, when I sit back and evaluate my life, it is pretty spectacular. Sure, I have moments when I feel like it is all going to crumble every second, but on the whole it is a pretty good life.

Now, I am going to go and program my hot pink ipod shuffle with my hip-happening music for working out! LOL. A little hot pink toy to get my tush in gear!!!!!!!!! Love it!

New Beginnings

2009-01-24T16:13:00.000-08:00

With each year comes a new beginning. I know we are almost at the end of January, but it is still the first of 2009. This year I have so many challenges to overcome, ideas to see into fruition and life to live! I am so excited to have had the chance to begin this new year with my husband.

2008 brought so many challenges I was unsure I could overcome. I was so happy to have made it. I literally cried as the year came to an end. I cried huge crocodile tears of joy!!! It was such a tough year for me! Patrick was gone for most of last year. We finished our 14 month deployment, left our home, moved to a new one, continued dealing with my illness, welcomed family, lost family, found new friends, and just crawled through it until we reached the end.

Now I am back to focusing on my health again. I was told two months ago that I need to have another surgery. This time the doctor is adament that I have a full hysterectomy and gave me a big no to the babies. I told Patrick that I am not ready for it yet. I know that there is another tumor, and I know that I am sick and in pain, but I am not ready.

I have started this new year researching alternative health methods. I do not believe that the only alternatives in our lives are surgery! There has to be another way for me to try and gain back control over my life. I know that I will have to have the tumor removed, but why do I have to have anything further done at this time. To be a 29 year old woman who will have to be on hormones the rest of my life is not an enjoyable prospect! I refuse to go with the flow without first seeking out alternatives!

So, saying that I am starting this blog. I have also started a group for my friends and their friends to support each other in healthy living. I really believe that this is the way of the future for me. I plan to pursue this 110%! Yes, I can!

*MrPJsWife*